growing too fast!

My updates are too far in between, I know and I'm sorry!:/  But just like my title, time really does go just too fast! 

I think one of the sweetest updates lately was celebrating Gracen girls birthday, September 29th.  The Lord's goodness and promises were wrapping us up, as our arms were wrapping up Gracen's little sister... our precious, joyful, adorable Rylee Hope.  Bringing her to Gracen's spot is so sweet to us.  Her sister is very much a part of her life and I look forward to God using Gracen's testimony to grow Rylee's.  Oh how our hearts ache not having Gracen running around and doing big sister stuff, I often image it...  

What a blessing children are, the Lord works through babies to seriously bless!  we.are.so.so.thankful.  Our hearts as parents are truly thankful!  Daily we need the Lord, because man it's hard work... but a job we treasure and rejoice in. 

Our family is looking forward to a journey the Lord is giving us ... our next duty station ... in ... ALASKA!  It will be an adventure that's for sure:) 

celebrating Gracen's birthday, A Walk to Remember with other Fort Hood families and at Gracen's spot ...

His word my HOPE secures!



I really can't believe its been this long since I've shared on our blog, forgive me!:/  6 months later and baby girl 2 will be making her debut very soon, in a week or so!!  Pray, pray, pray for us! 

 

God's word, His promises, His truth have absolutely secured our HOPE as we've fell in love with and seriously can not wait to have this precious girl here!!  The Lord uses our testimony of Gracen Faith almost daily, we've had some amazing, beautiful opportunities to declare God's sufficient grace and our faith in Him.  That's why Gracen's name is what it is.  This little blessing squirming around in my belly has the middle name, Hope.  His word our hope secures.  We believe God's promises and as our soul waits, He wants us to praise Him.  So we praise Him for what He's done, is doing and will do!   

Last month, 34 weeks
check out our awesome friend and photographer
http://www.brittanymorganphoto.com/



this daddy loves his girls;)

back in February, 30 weeks:)


37 weeks

 

imagine...

I can only imagine how truly perfect heaven is.  Having Gracen there makes the hope of eternity so much greater for Ryan and I and so many others too.  This year my heart and mind have imagined so much.  When we first found out I was carrying our first child, I imagined all about that sweet life.  The reoccurring prayer I had was for a child who brought much joy to many lives.  I remember praying words like sweet and joyful so very often.   I truly saw a little life who brought big blessing to others.  I would think about children in our lives or that I’ve had in my classroom that were sweet, kind and gentle … and desired a child to bring those blessings to this world.  Some of my favorite days are when Ryan and I are just living life at home.  I love being home and remember imagining those sweet times at home with us and our baby.  The daily routines of raising a child is what I was looking forward to most, and what I miss the most now.  I think about Gracen every day.  We imagine what her favorites would be, what would make her smile, and all the little memories we would be making with her. 

I could have never imagined the joy parents experience welcoming their child into this world.  Words just could never describe it.  The moments we spent with Gracen in our arms were the best moments in our lives.  We are so proud of her.  I could also never have imagined the pain of losing a child and there are still times when it just takes your breath away.  The grace of God has been more this year than we could have ever imagined or understood.  His purpose, His plan, His will is all so good.  We can’t imagine our life without Gracen and God’s perfect plan for her life.

It’s hard for me not to wish we could wake Gracen up from her crib on her first birthday and shower her with balloons… celebrating her with all the fun of a first birthday, and love on her in a million ways.  It doesn’t look exactly how we imagined, but we certainly will be celebrating Gracen Faith, with God as He’s celebrating WITH her!  We won’t get to see her face light up seeing balloons, or trying to open presents, or tasting a cupcake for the first time but we’ll send balloons up to for her and we’ll imagine how amazing it must be to celebrate such a special day in heaven! 

all our love, xoxo

happy 10 months with Jesus, Gracen Faith.

so proud of my military man
so proud of our sweat pea

It's hard to believe we would have a 10 month old Gracen scooting around... but it's even harder to believe we don't. 

We miss her every day, often every moment of every day!  Ryan and I talk so often about the "missing."  It's hard to put into words... but its just a constant feeling of missing.  The Lord giving us Gracen is nothing but the most precious gift.  The overwhelming awe of all God has done and is doing is nothing short of His perfect, great plan.  It has been and is so good, and there is so much good to come ... please pray for us in this season of awaiting what God has for us next.. we are hopeful, and excited, and ready.

We.are.learning.so.very.much.  Since Ryan has been home from his deployment (eee!!) we have been working on that "new normal" we hear about.  Life moves on, it has and will and it's really hard accepting that.  We are learning, praying, trying to live our life with gratefulness.  Gratefulness for God's will for us, including His will for our daughter.

One day we will all be together again.  Just a moment there, is better than here...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFh2RloTtpY

Thank you family and friends showing us so much love.  big, big hugs to you all xoxoxo

adore

There has been so very much on my heart the last few months ... I'm praying right now that the Lord will guide what I type to give a sweet, short catch up:) 

Our pastor's message on Sunday rocked, they always do! but I just can't shake a specific word he used, and that is adore ... what a sweet, tender word.  I really felt challenged to examine how my life is adoring Jesus.  What are we doing daily to adore Him??  As Ryan and I are walking out the hardest year we've ever experienced, are we adoring in the walk?  It's.not.about.me.  We make it so much about us!:/  We focus on what we don't have, or what we have that we don't want..  What a gift we have if we have Jesus ... the only hope, all we need, Jesus is enough!  I pray Ry and I cling to this truth, I pray the whole world does.  When my focus is on Him and not me .. it makes everything different, everything better.  Not easier, but holy. 

I have thought after thought, could write page after page.. on specific moments, specific words, specific encounters that have been hard these last several months.  Often we have to take it a day at a time, sometimes even a minute at a time.  Missing Gracen is very, very, very hard, it's hard not to think about all the moments we hoped we would be having here with her.  But, as a precious friend said, "She is not missing a thing!"  Her life lacks nothing, she is in the presence of Jesus adoring Him!  Gracen's life is changing so many, including me, her Mom. 

sad, but so glad ... our lives are forever changed

"Molly is God's little image bearer, and her life has been carefully crafted by Him for His glory.  It does not matter to God that Molly's body is not whole.  He made her that way; her life is not an accident.  To say that her malformations were a fluke or a random mutation is to say that her development was outside of God's control.  He forms and fashions His living image bearers with heavenly and eternal purposes in mind.  And He loves each one passionately." - Barbara Rainey, Mimi of Molly
 
Am I sad she's gone?  Yes.
Am I angry?  Sometimes.
Am I bitter?  No.
"God was sufficient for us in Molly's life and continues to be in the ongoing pain of her death. And He will be enough for us in whatever the future brings. We trust Him. We heard His voice in Molly's life. She changed everything."
-Rebecca Mutz, Molly's mom
"Symphony in the Dark" is beautifully transforming and mirrors my feelings, joys and hearbreak for Gracen.  Grab a box of tissues and read it, or keep it on hand for a friend.
http://www.amazon.com/Symphony-Dark-Hearing-Voice-Seasons/dp/1602003041/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1327436962&sr=1-1

God has so kindly connected Molly's family and ours and such undescribed comfort came as I fell in love with her story.  God connecting His children is nothing but favor.  We continue to be greatly blessed by His connections.  The Lord is entrusting parents with children who impact and change lives through their tiny, fragile, short stay on earth.  I believe parents pray their children to have this kind of impact in a lifetime, and God is doing this in moments, hours and days.
Gracen has been with Jesus almost 4 months.  It's hard to believe Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, 5 year wedding anniversary..has all passed and all without our baby girl.  I recently wrote, "Lately I get all foggy and scattery.  It definitley is such a comfort knowing how many have celebrated and cried with us...but as time continues, less focus from others will be on Gracen.  New, exciting news to celebrate is happening all around us in lives of family and friends.  But while we hurt, we can still celebrate with others who have and continue to care greatly for Gracen.  Still, I can't help but picture us preparing and planning for our baby girls arrival and life, and so desire that again soon for our children to come."  It's hard to hear people say you'll get back to your normal .. We can't get back to our normal because our normal just months ago was filled with hopes, dreams and plans for our daughter growing in my womb.  Our lives have been forever changed and unfortunately life doesn't let you skip the hard parts... so as the especially hard waves of missing Gracen come, we will continue to claim God's sufficent grace.  We trusted God before He blessed us with Gracen and we trust Him even more now. 
"Please don't feel bad!"  I've said this A LOT lately... a question often asked when first meeting someone, "do you have children?"  Our answer is, yes!  We beam with pride at the opportunity to tell our daughter's story.  I've worried at making others feel bad or uncomfortable... but the reaction on their face as they hear of a precious, little life with big purpose shows me how worth it is to share and talk about Gracen!  In fact, others tears are precious to me, their tears carry some of our burden and show beautiful love and care toward Gracen. 
We don't get to show off Gracen's adorable cheeks, her gorgeous auburn curls, her perfect toes and long pretty fingers ... we don't get to see our family and friends hold her and make her smile.  I don't get to dress my baby girl and take a million pictures.  We don't get to use our adorable nursery, instead we have an empty crib.  Many hopes we had for our sweet pea we don't get to do.  What we have been given, is much ... much blessing!  We've been given a window into heaven, a beautiful anticipation of eternity.  We've been given a baby that influences others for the kingdom, a baby girl whos life reflects the magnitude of Jesus.  Everyday we wish it were different, we're sad, but so glad.  It helps in huge ways to hear of Gracen's impact on so many.  So please don't stop telling us the impact of Gracen.  Please don't stop telling others of her story.  Please don't stop praying for us as we so desire our family to continue to grow and grow!
Just a few of Gracen's impacts ...
http://bethanysboringblog.blogspot.com/2011/10/few-letters-about-gracen-faith.html
http://bethanysboringblog.blogspot.com/2012/01/knocked-up.html (her beautiful name for a beautiful new baby ... if its a girl :) )

(a newsletter from an awesome pastor at an awesome church, http://www.journeyabilene.com/)

75 Blessings

Earlier this week I attended a burial service for a baby girl who lived for a little more than an hour. The thirty minute service was conducted on a beautiful afternoon at a nearby cemetery. As I approached the crowd who had gathered for this occasion, I recognized many faces - faces of people who have faith in God.

The pastor spoke words of faith, wisdom and life. We all beheld the beautifully adorned box that held the little girl’s frame. We sang songs together.
In that moment a phrase continued to emerge from my soul. It is a phrase that I have memorized and repeated thousands of times in public and private in my life. The phrase repeated over and over and over in my heart like a short track on my ipod set on repeat.
The phrase comes from the Apostles Creed. It is “ I believe in the resurrection of the body.” It is not a phrase that I have to go digging for in my mind somewhere - it simply rises up within me during moments like this. When death seems to have its way, there are deeper seeds of faith planted within Christ-followers that rise up to say, “But there is more to the story ... this is not the end ... there is a resurrection of the body ... there is a life larger than death!”
Because of this faith, Christians can grieve with hope. There is a world of difference between a hope-filled grief and and hopeless grief. Just as Jesus wept when he learned that Lazarus had died, we too are free to weep and mourn and cry. But beneath the grieving and the loss there is a hope and a faith that death cannot take away.
I saw this hope and faith in this family and in those who had gathered around. They joined in singing songs of praise to God for His victory over death, and in that moment of grief our faith emerged quite naturally.
At the end of the service we released 75 balloons into the air - one for every minute the baby lived. And as those balloons were flying away, I thought about how every minute in life is precious. I turned to the guy next to me and said, “ today is a good day to be grateful for every minute of life.” Every minute is a gift from above. Every minute is a blessing.

With Christ, we can live life to the fullest. We can grieve well and with hope. And we can soak in every precious minute our Lord gives to us.

May we all count our blessings minute by minute, and may we live in the hope of Christ.
Grace and peace,
Pastor Bailey

(Thanks to Ryan and Dayna Saltzgaber for giving permission to share this reflection. For more on their story, see their blog at http://www.rydaysalt.blogspot.com)

our Gracen girl wall

Gracen's spot

On November 29th we celebrated Gracen's 2 month.  My Dad sent the most beautiful flowers remembering Gracen and we were so grateful for the gift of remembering from other family and sweet friends.  Ryan and I both long to be those who "remember" to others ... knowing now the priceless gift it truly is.  My prayer is that the Lord awakens my heart on those special days for others ... that I may remember and celebrate with them.  The messages, notes and phone calls we continue to get are forever a gift to us.  "Gracen's spot" in so very many hearts is beautiful.  I actually have journaled testimonies of our sweet Gracen and look forward to blogging about these (amazing!!) stories.  On my heart this minute is one of 2 super cute sisters.  Alex and Rachel are juniors in high school and Gracen is a special part of their lives.  They have been a part of celebrating her and continue to shine her little light!  I LoVe that her pictures is in both of their lockers (I love that her picture is in hundreds of homes and places)!  Gracen motivates these girls is awesome ways, they get their strength and encouragement from Gracen's same Jesus and when things get hard thank Him for her because they are reminded to trust God in everything.  In fact one of the girls ran a personal best time and finished in the top at a recent cross country meet .... she told her family at the finish: "that race was for Gracen!"  Tears still come at the thought of this, our tiny little baby is a part of big, amazing things!  Gracen indeed has a special spot in so many and as her mom and dad we are blessed beyond measure and want to hear of these amazing stories!  As we see friends who have and continue to be a part of Gracen's story ... joyful tears fall (in grocery stores, parking lots and target) all because of a life God created and is so special, He now holds in His arms.  Gracen's spot is in heaven and is glorious!  We who claim Jesus as our savior and redeemer have a spot where Gracen is and I now celebrate eternity more than I ever have. 
My heart breaks because I hoped Gracen's spot would be here on earth with us.  I hoped her spot would be in our arms to rock her, sing over her, teach her, laugh with her and kiss her.  I think about what she would be doing everyday.  I miss all the things we never got to do with her, and we will never stop missing her.  She fit so perfect in our arms ... I miss that spot she filled in our arms more than anything.  Her spot in our hearts is overflowing and our hearts will always thank the Lord for the gift of Gracen.  I never get a "you look so great for just having a baby!, how old is she?, what's her name?, she is the sweetest thing!"  When we are out and about, obviously others wouldn't know to ask any of these questions, we aren't pushing our 2 month old in her stroller at the store ... but sometimes I just want to scream "I should have a 2 month old baby girl ... ask me about her!, ask me her name!!"  Hopefully I won't ever do this, thankfully Ryan keeps me calm:) 
The beautiful part is ... we KNOW that Gracen has a spot literally with Jesus right this second, thankfully we are part of Christ's family and will celebrate as His children together when we are united again.  The hard part is ... one of Gracen's spots is at the VA.  One of the times we took flowers we stood in disbelief to see our daughters name on the stone, it was as if we just didn't want to believe she wasn't here with us.  Many visit her spot there and are blessed with great peace and gratefulness for what God is doing because of Gracen.  Her flowers are always beautiful and joy radiates through the saying we chose "our sweet girl let your little light shine." and she is, that's for sure.  The spot Gracen has in all our hearts is so big.

Gracen Faith

We finally understand how our parents feel and what they mean as they keep telling us just how proud they are of us.  Of course we've heard this our whole life, but since we've been entrusted with Gracen our parents have told us this more than ever.  Being proud of your child...such a special feeling.  We will always, always, always be proud of our Gracen.  She gave us so much to be proud of and a lifetime of joy as we fell in love with her.  We pray many have been blessed by her and continue to be blessed.  We keep asking our family and friends who have walked with us in Gracen's story if they really got to know her well and the answers are all without hesitation, "yes."  Gracen is such a loved little girl, so many love her and more will fall in love with her as they hear of her story.  Gracen's legacy is beautiful, her little light shines so bright.  As we picture our baby girl's birthday September 29th, are hearts break as we want so bad to have those 75 minutes from last Thursday back; tears flow as we smile and remember every little detail.  We've gone through every picture each day and will never stop adoring everything about Gracen.  Sweet baby girl,

let your little light shine. 

We are so very proud of you. 

we can't wait to meet you baby girl

We love you Gracen and can't wait to kiss your sweet little cheeks tomorrow.  September 29th is your day little peanut ... Happy Birthday!!!  Your story is beautiful and it has brought much joy to so many.  We are proud of you

and who God has made you. 

Gracen girl ...  you. are. so. loved.

G R A C E N

I'm just getting home from a bible study full of truly awesome women; our study is by Linda Dillow, "what its like to be married to me?" and it really is a dangerous question!:)  I shared how excited I am to be with this group of women as God grows our marriages ... the Lord has truly blessed Ryan and I's marriage as our story of Gracen has unfolded.  I told them I thought I loved my husband before ... but I realllllllly love him now,  because of Gracen I have fallen so much more in love with my man.  These sweet ladies took time to pray over us and Gracen's arrival and continued to affirm God's goodness in what He is doing. 

So ... here are some thoughts from that man I love so much. 

What Gracen's daddy thinks of his girl:

Gracious gift

Rambunctious

Angelic

Cute as a button

Excited to meet her

New creation





treasures to us

getting ready with the belly:)

It's so much better to know "Him," than know "why."  This is so, so true.  An amazing mom told me this who has 2 little ones here on earth and her firstborn Luke who is with Jesus.  The stories the Lord has lead us to are truly inspiring.  God has connected us with families who truly understand grieving a loss and it is His favor that we have them in our lives.  Gracen Faith is alive and active, we have not experienced losing a child and praise God that at almost 37weeks Gracen has beaten many odds to still be with us.  Although, in this we have grieved and continue to grieve how we visioned this dream to look.  We never hoped terms like extremely rare chromosomal disorder, holoprosencephaly, abnormalities, under developed heart, not likely compatible with life or very short life expectancy would ever need to be used to describe our baby.  Preparing for Gracen has looked much different than we thought preparing for a baby would be ... but each special plan needed for her arrival has been so very worth it.  God's hand has been on her long before we knew of her and He does not make mistakes.  We don't believe we'll ever know "why" but know and believe fully in "Him."  Gracen's life has already impacted so many and we know her little life will impact many more.  Ryan and I are completely blown away by the love so many have for her and us.  We deeply treasure this love you all have for us.  All of you are treasures to us and you could never know how much your love for our sweet pea means to us.  We ewww and ahhhh over each special treasure that has come our way.  The cards in the mail, emails, facebook messages and posts and blog followers are a true blessing.  Thank you for sharing your stories and being a part of ours.  I especially treasure when others rub the belly and ask about Gracen and her personality in there:)  We have collected the most precious keepsakes for her and those who have blessed us with them will never know the amazing comfort they each bring.  Including: pictures, books, crosses, scripture, angels, a beautiful girlie music snow globe from her uncle steve and aunt christina, a sweet lovey bear and comfy blankets.  Just this last week Ryan and I began reading Gracen letters that were specifically written to her from her party "celebrate Gracen."  We have LoVeD the memories these moments have made ... we laugh, cry and are amazed over what has been written about our girl and her mom and dad.  Lifelong friends of ours from San Antonio (now literally all over the world:)) sent Gracen a name gallery and all over created her name in the places they live using the most creative things to spell out Gracen and included scripture and prayer to bless us, so so very special to us.  Gracen even has a book written about HER!  It's titled "God loves Gracen!"  Each page speaks blessings over her using her very own name, sweet Jill from our small group gave her this.  Ryan surprised Gracen and I with tickets to see The Sound of Music this weekend and we loved every minute of it.

going to The Sound of Music

We treasured our time at sea world with super special friends and loved every minute of that too. 

below are the extreme rollercoster riders, above told expecting mothers to avoid:)

I love you Allison!

My best friend Jamie has loved, listened, supported, made me smile and lifted me up through this whole journey.  A treasure I'll always have from her is a beautiful necklace with a cross and charm that says Gracen, she wrote to Gracen about it and what it means...the meaning of her name, full of Grace, and the message of grace we have from the cross.  Jamie even surprised us with Georgetown Cupcakes (I know, they are amazing!!!) because sometimes "you just need a cupcake!" 

their carmel apple cupcake is in season and my FAV

We treasure Gracen's friends and family.  Her grandparents are the most amazing people we know and words could never express the treasures we have stored up from them.  Gracen get ready for a million hugs and kisses in just a few days!   xoxoxoxo

getting to know our girl

33weeks

The Lord says His thoughts of Gracen are precious (Psalm 139:17) ... our thoughts of our sweet girl are just that .. precious.  I just love having her with me where ever I go and that we spend each day doing everything together.  As I write, we're listening to "sing over me" a collection of praise lullabies.  Gracen loves music and she hears lots of it!  She loves our worship team at Grace Bible; she's always particularly active Sunday mornings:)  We play music all the time for her and sing lots to her.  As I spend time with kiddos during the day Gracen gets to play and sing all day too!  Ryan's songs to her are the best though, I'm usually laughing my head off:)  Getting to know Gracen is such a joy, we love all the little things about her that we've learned ...

*she really loves praise and worship

*she likes being prayed over

*she's a little night owl

*she loves moving around for her Dad the best

*she's a little camera shy and doesn't like to stay still for US pictures

*she loves ice cream and cold stuff

*she likes cuddling up on the right side of my tummy

*she likes laying by the pool and swimming

*she really likes tums, lol

some of the things she's gotten to do...

*read, sing, play, rock, go to the park with the little ones her mom spends the day with, who each rub and touch the belly lots:)

*vacation in the mountains

*be in TC and Jamie's wedding

*listen to her mom talk a lot

*clean and organize with her mom

*go to uncle Derek's USAF BMT graduation

*a trip to the beach

*lots of great girl time with her mom's friends who love her so much

*spend lots of time with family and listen to them adore her

Gracen has meant so many amazing family and friends...even some that live all over the country!  I know she feels so loves because Ryan and I have read it through countless letters, cards and gifts in the mail, e-mails, facebook messages, blog comments, phone calls and conversations we have with lives being deeply touched by our girl. 

celebrate Gracen

We continue to thank you for following Gracen's story and loving us and this sweet girl so much!  She keeps growing in there and is very active:)  It's hard to believe we're already 31weeks, we have an appointment Friday and will be almost 8months along.  We can't wait for our ultrasound and to see her this week.  Please pray that we can truly soak in and enjoy each moment we have with her, the time is just going by so fast.  Much excitement comes the closer we get to her arrival, but many other hard feelings come as well.  We have sad hearts to think the time we have with her now is the majority of time we'll have.  We continue to ask for joy in the struggle and that we will put Gracen's needs and precious worth above our own.  When we pour out our hearts to the Lord we so often find ourselves using phrases that are all about "us."  I'll tell God, "I wanted to do this or that with her so bad..." or "I always dreamed it would look like ... or "we wanted to raise this child your way"  I think about the deployment coming up in the midst of all this and prior to finding out about our special baby I was so focused on asking for strength in that.  Ryan would be missing over half of our baby's first year and that wasn't easy to think on.  We were so positive about it though, getting excited and planning for all the great military family tools out there we would get to use to connect Ryan and our baby.  I started making a list:)  daddy dolls, flat daddies, books on tape through the USO, photo shoots... there are many awesome creative resources out there.  When I am being selfish and talk to God about that, I get angry because my absolute favorite part was going to be picking out the cutest red, white and blue outfit for our baby to go pick up Daddy in.  This would be the sweetest homecoming ever because Ryan would be coming home to both of us..  These were things I wanted and so often we do make things all about us.  Well, its not about us and thank the Lord for that.  It's about delighting ourselves in Him, living grateful lives and thanking God that it is only by grace that we have been saved.  We are confident the creator of this entire universe who selflessly gave His only Son that we may be free from sin and have abundant life, has much better plans for Gracen than we could have.  That is why as hard as this is and will be we are celebrating this gift and thank God and thank you for celebrating with us.



This day was the most precious celebration and will forever be a beautiful memory.  I wasn't able to upload each picture or each girl who came ... but I'm sure by the few pictures, you can see what an amazing time we shared.  I couldn't believe the amount of girls who came to support and love on Gracen.  Our sweet friends here, friends from San Antonio, friends from Abilene and even family from Pennsylvania and New York were there!  I will be forever thankful for each girl who came along and each person who sent something special and their prayers, I appreciate that support more than they'll ever know.  Does the sweet set up not look like something from a magazine?!  I must have told the hostesses Allison, Emily and Jayme that a hundred times... 

  

These next pictures were taken a few weeks ago by our sweet and talented friend Lyssa:)